jockling

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 03:17:52 GMT

I never even thought it was physically possible to get a nosebleed from crying so hard. Jeez.

Yeah. Ups and downs, lately. Mostly downs.

I cry a lot. Almost every day now. Sometimes it's resigned and quiet and okay. But sometimes it's loud and public and ugly. It's really embarrassing. Boys don't cry. I punch walls sometimes instead. It doesn't matter if it hurts if it's manly, right? I'm an idiot.

Tired, too. I sleep all the time now. But I wake up every night, once, twice, three times, at least. So no rest.

I'm fat now. It's making me miserable. It must say a lot about how shallow I am, how it nearly makes me want to kill myself some days. Not skinny, therefore suicide? That's stupid. I hate how I know how wrong it is too think that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way anyways. But what can I do?

I don't know. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I hope I don't come across like that. I just don't know what to do with myself right more. I try as hard as I can and at the same time I don't try hard enough. I don't know.

Yeah. I don't know.

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 03:20:13 GMT

I'm a jerk.

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:56:16 GMT

I'm getting too paranoid about taking Prozac. I'm worried that they aren't going to help me stop my binging, and that they're only going to make me feel better about binging. And if overeating feels okay, how will I be able to stop myself?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

It's Friday. End of another shitty week. And likely the start of a shitty weekend.

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 03:04:51 GMT

Binged today, of course.

But I'm feeling okay right now. Probably 'cos of the Prozac.

I'm looking through my journal, and gosh. I usually post when I'm feeling really down, so everything's so EMO all the time. I'm not like that, really. When I'm not depressed, when I'm not binging, when I'm not having anxiety attacks, when I'm not hating myself for every reason I can think of... I'm really a pretty easy-going, good-natured, happy-go-lucky kid. That's a lot of hyphens. And I know things really aren't that shitty.

Except for the part where they kind of are.

But that's the way the song goes, I suppose.

[edit:] that bad binge on the box of cereal has completely cut up the inside of my mouth. ow.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 14:20:14 GMT

I love my parents. And I know they love me, too.

But it doesn't stop my mother from making me hate myself. Or my father from making me hate everything else.

They're very good at guilt tripping. I'm very good at feeling guilty.

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 01:54:48 GMT

Every time I go to sleep I dream about never waking up again.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 03:53:20 GMT

Food as follows. One for each.

BREAKFAST: [ approx. 200- 300 calories]

- half a cup of fat-free yogurt, half a cup of cereal (Fiber One or Kashi GoLEAN) and half a cup of fruit (a tbsp of flaxseed optional)
- a third of a cup of oatmeal, a half cup of milk, half a cup of fruit, cinnamon (a tbsp of flaxseed optional)

LUNCH: [approx. 300 calories]

- 2 slices of whole-wheat bread, 1/2 bell pepper in slices, 2 leaves of romaine lettuce, 2 slices of deli turkey or strips of chicken breast
- romaine salad with various vegetables (bell pepper, carrots, celery, tomatoes) and either chicken, turkey, hard-boiled egg whites, tofu, or beans
- 2 slices of whole-wheat bread with 1 tbsp Better'n Peanut Butter or natural peanut butter with either kumquat marmalade or half a banana, plus cinnamon
- half a can of tuna fish with celery and cilantro with pepper to taste in a whole-wheat pita
- a half cup of brown rice with steamed vegetables (green beans, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, bok choy, etc)
- 2-3 scrambled egg whites with tomatoes in a whole wheat pita

SNACKS: [ approx. 100 calories each, up to 2x a day]

- a serving of fruit (an apple, banana, orange, nectarine, two kiwis, three figs, cup of berries, etc.)
- a dozen almonds
- a glass of milk
- carrot or celery sticks

DINNER: [ approx. 600 calories]

- whatever mom is cooking, small portions. NO SECONDS.

TOTAL: 1200 - 1500 calories.

How I usually eat. Except for when I binge. Then add about 2000-3000 more calories.

But that's what I want to get back to.

As for exercise: a minimum of twenty minutes of push-ups, pull-ups, and sit-ups; fifteen minutes of free-weight strength training; walking or working on the elliptical for at least a mile a day; plus yoga on the weekends.

Wanted weight: between a hundred and ninety-five pounds. That's about ten to fifteen pounds right now. I give myself a goal of, I don't know. Three to five months.

I'll be starting slow. But I can do it. I wil

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 23:27:21 GMT

Johnny came home yesterday.

He pissed on my bed.

I think I'm in love.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 00:42:39 GMT

I have a kitty.

Or I will in a week. I gotta wait for them to have his bollocks off first, the poor little bugger. But he's beautiful. A grey green-eyed tiger tabby.

I named him Johnny.

~~I didn't binge~~ ~~yet.~~ [edit:] shit.

I think today is a good one. I hope everyone's is the same.

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 21:12:51 GMT

I gained five pounds in three days. Go me.

holy shit.

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 06:45:37 GMT

oh. ohh. ohhh.

In addition (I just typed "in addiction." the irony!) to the disgusting amount of food I've consumed today, I've just eaten about ~~five servings~~ AN ENTIRE BOX of Trader Joe's High Fiber Cereal.

Tomorrow's going to be a shitty day. Pun very much intended.

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 04:13:25 GMT

SELF STATS:

height: 5'0"
highest weight: 135 lbs
lowest weight: 85 lbs
current weight: 105 lbs
wanted weight: between 95 and 100 lbs

challenge: TO STOP BINGING.

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 03:46:24 GMT

Been alternating between breakdowns and binging for the past three days. Today was very bad.

At least I don't purge, though. I can hear my sister throwing up in the shower right now.

Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I wish I was anorexic again.

But most of all I wish I was normal.

Tomorrow's a new day.