| (no subject) |
[11/08/07 ] // [ 07:02 pm] |
I never even thought it was physically possible to get a nosebleed from crying so hard. Jeez.
Yeah. Ups and downs, lately. Mostly downs.
I cry a lot. Almost every day now. Sometimes it's resigned and quiet and okay. But sometimes it's loud and public and ugly. It's really embarrassing. Boys don't cry. I punch walls sometimes instead. It doesn't matter if it hurts if it's manly, right? I'm an idiot.
Tired, too. I sleep all the time now. But I wake up every night, once, twice, three times, at least. So no rest.
I'm fat now. It's making me miserable. It must say a lot about how shallow I am, how it nearly makes me want to kill myself some days. Not skinny, therefore suicide? That's stupid. I hate how I know how wrong it is too think that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way anyways. But what can I do?
I don't know. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I hope I don't come across like that. I just don't know what to do with myself right more. I try as hard as I can and at the same time I don't try hard enough. I don't know.
Yeah. I don't know.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/19/07 ] // [ 07:50 am] |
I'm getting too paranoid about taking Prozac. I'm worried that they aren't going to help me stop my binging, and that they're only going to make me feel better about binging. And if overeating feels okay, how will I be able to stop myself?
I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.
It's Friday. End of another shitty week. And likely the start of a shitty weekend. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/18/07 ] // [ 07:57 pm] |
Binged today, of course.
But I'm feeling okay right now. Probably 'cos of the Prozac.
I'm looking through my journal, and gosh. I usually post when I'm feeling really down, so everything's so EMO all the time. I'm not like that, really. When I'm not depressed, when I'm not binging, when I'm not having anxiety attacks, when I'm not hating myself for every reason I can think of... I'm really a pretty easy-going, good-natured, happy-go-lucky kid. That's a lot of hyphens. And I know things really aren't that shitty.
Except for the part where they kind of are.
But that's the way the song goes, I suppose.
[edit:] that bad binge on the box of cereal has completely cut up the inside of my mouth. ow. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/18/07 ] // [ 07:18 am] |
I love my parents. And I know they love me, too.
But it doesn't stop my mother from making me hate myself. Or my father from making me hate everything else.
They're very good at guilt tripping. I'm very good at feeling guilty. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/11/07 ] // [ 06:54 pm] |
|
Every time I go to sleep I dream about never waking up again. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/09/07 ] // [ 04:27 pm] |
Johnny came home yesterday.
He pissed on my bed.
I think I'm in love. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/07/07 ] // [ 05:37 pm] |
I have a kitty.
Or I will in a week. I gotta wait for them to have his bollocks off first, the poor little bugger. But he's beautiful. A grey green-eyed tiger tabby.
I named him Johnny.
I didn't binge yet. [edit:] shit.
I think today is a good one. I hope everyone's is the same. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/06/07 ] // [ 02:12 pm] |
I gained five pounds in three days. Go me.
holy shit. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/05/07 ] // [ 11:42 pm] |
oh. ohh. ohhh.
In addition (I just typed "in addiction." the irony!) to the disgusting amount of food I've consumed today, I've just eaten about five servings AN ENTIRE BOX of Trader Joe's High Fiber Cereal.
Tomorrow's going to be a shitty day. Pun very much intended. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/04/07 ] // [ 09:09 pm] |
SELF STATS:
height: 5'0"
highest weight: 135 lbs
lowest weight: 85 lbs
current weight: 105 lbs
wanted weight: between 95 and 100 lbs
challenge: TO STOP BINGING.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[10/04/07 ] // [ 08:44 pm] |
Been alternating between breakdowns and binging for the past three days. Today was very bad.
At least I don't purge, though. I can hear my sister throwing up in the shower right now.
Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I wish I was anorexic again.
But most of all I wish I was normal.
Tomorrow's a new day. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
jockling's journal